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Steve Gilliard, 1964-2007
It is with tremendous sadness that we must convey the news that Steve Gilliard, editor and publisher of The News Blog, passed away June 2, 2007. He was 42.
To those who have come to trust The News Blog and its insightful, brash and unapologetic editorial tone, we have Steve to thank from the bottom of our hearts. Steve helped lead many discussions that mattered to all of us, and he tackled subjects and interest categories where others feared to tread.
Please keep Steve's friends and family in your thoughts and prayers.
Steve meant so much to us.
We will miss him terribly.
LowerManhattanite: "Lou Dobbs Toon-Night!"
He hates them mex'kins to pieces!
FADE IN:
We HEAR an ANNOUNCER'S V.O. while we see an intro still.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
We now return you to "Lou Dobbs Tonight", already in progress...
CUT TO:
MONTAGE - PHOTOS OF JENNIFER LOPEZ, GEORGE LOPEZ, EVA LONGORIA, AMERICA FERREIRA, ROSARIO DAWSON, AND DADDY YANKEE, AS WE HEAR A VOICE OVER BY DOBBS CORRESPONDENT "WES CANON".
CANON: (V.O.)
...J-Lo, Ugly Betty, George Lopez and yes, the creeping, insistent jumping bean rhythms of Reggaeton...just a few more signs of the insidious, growing, and all too picanté influence within our borders, headphones and plasma screens. As my kids' baby sitter would say—behind my back of course, because I insist on English being used in my home—"Es mas loco!" I'm Wes Canon, for Lou Dobbs Tonight. Lou?
CUT TO:
INT. CNN BROADCAST CENTER - LOU DOBBS TONIGHT SET - NIGHT
ANGLE ON LOU DOBBS sitting at his newsdesk, shaking his head ruefully. At the bottom of the screen WE SEE the typical CNN CHYRON graphics reading "HOW NOW, BROWN AMERICA". Dobbs delivers his shpiel with a quick glance up into the camera
DOBBS:
Simply disgusting. Just...rice and beans in a Taqueria dumpster overnight, dis-gusting. Thank you Wes. Well...there you have it America. It's bad enough that with the leaf-blowing we stupidly encourage, we no longer as a nation mulch the way we have since the agraraian days of Thomas Jefferson, but it seems that this same leaf-blowing horde is hell-bent...on blowing away the classic elements of Western culture we've worked so hard, and decimated so many millions of people to perpetuate. To some, it may seem little more than ...well, "Menudo", which translated into a proper language means, "small change". Ack! Aaaaaaack-k-k-k! Excuse me a moment.
Dobbs reaches for a glass of water on his desk and guzzles it madly.
DOBBS: (CONT'D)
Forgive me. Had to wash my mouth out. Last sentence had a dirty word in it.
(beat)
That's better. As I was saying, it may seem like "small change" to some, but it is indeed, a big deal if we're going to maintain any semblance of a reasonable, intelligent, and pink-hued culture. This "browning" of our America however, is not a new phenomenon. Long before the days of today's beloved, yet subversive "Dora the Explorer-slash-Reconquista", we've seen the jalapeño terror creep it's way into our consciousness. In fact, it goes back as far as the height of the Cold War, appropriately enough, during the days of the Cuban Missile Crisis. American children were being indoctrinated even then via television, although the culprits of said indoctrination would beg to differ...albeit in very heavily accented English. With us tonight is one of those culprits-slash-innocents, Baba Looey of "The Quick Draw McGraw Show". Sénor Looey, good evening.
BABA:
Good evening, Meester Dobbs. And please, call me Baba.
DOBBS:
I suppose I could.
(beat)
Now, Sénor Looey, I understand you're well-loved by many kids--and heck, many folks my age who grew up watching you.
BABA:
Sí. And thank you to everyone who did.
DOBBS:
Well, you weren't loved by everyone, sir. I and many other Americans were more of, what you might call "Deputy Dawg" fans, and found your ramming of a foreign culture down our throats, well...rather obtrusive, and quite frankly, offensive.
BABA:
(beat)
It was just a cartoon show, Meester. Dobbs.
DOBBS:
No. No! I will not let you get away with that Sénor Looey—I will not! You knew exactly what you and your cohorts were doing when you hit the air in the early sixties. You...were the advance wave of making the immigration blight we're suffering under now, somehow cute, and benign...with your "adorable" little accent and faux-second banana status.
BABA:
I'm sorry Meester Dobbs...your booker told me I was here to discuss the second season DVD release of the "Quick Draw" show. She said you were discussing the TV shows on DVD industry. I didn't know—
DOBBS:
Oh, you know perfectly well, Sénor Looey. You know damned well what you were doing when you started all of this. You...were looking to upset, and radically alter our immigration policy. To move it from the thoughtful process it had long been, to some sort of "Speedy Gonzalez" end-run around the rules. Can you just admit to that?
BABA:
Meester Dobbs, I don' appreciate what you are inferring here. My friend, Speedy Gonzalez—
DOBBS:
You co-conspirator, don't you mean?
BABA:
(adamant)
My friend Meester Gonzalez is a naturalized American citizen, as I am too—and we have been citizens for many decades. We are taxpayers, as are many of my animated immigrant friends. Lucky the Leprechaun, from Lucky Charms, Pepé Le Pew—
DOBBS:
-But we're not talking about them, Sénor Looey—I'm talking specifically about you and your friends, from south of the border, who are creating a huge drain on America's resources with your disrespect for our border policy.
BABA:
Oh...I see what thees is about...
DOBBS:
Now, Sénor Looey...you're a burro, correct?
BABA:
Sí.
DOBBS:
Isn't that like...a mule or something?
BABA:
Sí.
DOBBS:
(accusing)
And...don't you often travel back and forth between "home", and bring things from there?
BABA:
(catching on)
Oh please! You have got to be keeding me!
DOBBS:
(practically attacking him)
Just how long Sénor Looey, have you been an active drug mule?
BABA:
I don' have to take thees!
(mutters under his breath)
¡Maldito pendejo! ¡Bicho cabeza!
Baba takes off his lapel mic and throws it down in his chair, leaving the studio in a huff.
DOBBS:
You can call me all the names you wish, sir, but if we can't understand it, well...it just doesn't count. So there!
(beat)
Now...with us via phone, are a couple of true cartoon heroes... Red-cel-painted Americans who are getting a raw deal...from our justice system. They signed on as members of the Minutemen, the militia group guarding our border from the likes of Sénor Looey and his horde, but now find themselves...unjustly prosecuted for allegedly shooting illegal immigrants who were crossing our borders in clear violation of the U.S. law. Live, from Pelican Bay Correctional Facility in California, we have...in my mind, patriots—Mssrs. Punkin' Puss of Magilla Gorilla fame, and Paw Rugg of the Hillbilly Bears. Mr.Puss, Mr. Rugg, good evening.
PUNKIN PUSS:
Good evenin' Lou.
PAW:
Gummly-frummily-mummle-g-frmple-ummmmmm-Howdy do.
DOBBS:
Better than you poor gentlemen, unfortunately. Now, I'm sure you heard Sénor Looey on with me earlier, and you know his sentiments. I'd like to know what moved you fellows to think otherwise, and if you could briefly explain just what got a couple of decent men such as yourselves in the kind of jam you're in.
PUNKIN PUSS:
Wall Lou, as you know, Paw n' I are red staters. We're God fearin' Americans and strict constitu-consititu-consti-aw heck, we loves our guns!
PAW:
Summmla-grblfrimple-ding-dang-hrumple-frizzzin-second amendment rocks-- yeah!
PUNKIN PUSS:
And as raht-thankin' citizens, we just wanna see the laws of th' land upheld—and be free of course, to shoot off our blunderbusses when-if'n ever we wanna!
PAW:
Shrimmmble-frummm-rmmmmpla-grumble-dingle-strump-a-buk-buk us some il-legals-a-heh-heh-heh!
PUNKIN PUSS:
So, we signed up with the Minutemen to defend our danged country! 'Cause they're takin' our jobs! You mentioned Deputy Dawg earlier, raht?
DOBBS:
As a matter of fact, I did.
PUNKIN PUSS:
Well, I'll have you know that he has not been able to get work and be seen for years! Not him, not the folks from "Wait Til' Your Father Gets Home", and confound it, Mallard Fillmore can't even get an audition fer a show! But dang if I can't help trippin' over Baba Looey, Speedy Gonzalez, that danged Dora...and what's that new one's name? You know...the illegal contractor handyman? What's his...
PAW:
Goldarn-summmla-frunkin-no-good-hummmla-shrimmmla-Handy Manny...Handy Manny! Frabblin'-grezzlum-dirty wetback...
DOBBS:
I'm sorry, I understand your frustration Paw, but we just can't use that kind of language on—
PUNKIN PUSS:
He-he's jus' upset because he's on lock-down fer no good reason...you'll have to forgive him.
DOBBS:
Forgiven.
PUNKIN PUSS:
Anyways, we signed up with the Minutemen, and sure as shootin', we saw us some some eye-llegals, and used our constitutionally mandated rights to defend our country from 'em.
(beat)
And then we shotgunned 'em in the back.
DOBBS:
And you are being prosecuted for this?
PUNKIN PUSS:
Yes sir! Fer shootin' at a bunch 'a vermin! Mexican meeses to be pre-cise!
PAW:
Gummmla-frummmla-drumble-hummmla-not-so-Speedy Gonzalez' after we shot 'em up--a-heh-heh-heh!
DOBBS:
Amamzing. Simply amazing. Is there anything your fellow Americans can do to support you? To help out?
PUNKIN PUSS:
Wall, we have us a dee-fense fund, at Free Paw n' Puss.com. Jes' click on th' PayPal link to contribute. Totally tax deductble. And if I can say one more thang Lou...I mean, we're grown men...tough guys...but ah'd be lyin' if I said that we're not sufferin'. Paw misses his fambly somethin' powerful.
PAW:
Frimble-framble-mummmla-grzzzzzzle-brum-don't like tossin' the salad, ay-tall!
DOBBS:
A travesty. Just...
(he sighs heavily)
What to say? Thank you gentlemen, for your service to your country, and you'd better believe...we'll keep an eye on this case.
PAW:
Grummle-Rimble-a-hummla-thank you, Lou.
PUNKIN PUSS:
Thank you, sir!
(then yelled)
And America! There's nothing un-P.C. About hatin' meeses--and illegal aliens as my friend and lawyer Mr. Jinx would say, to pieces! Ra-ho-wah!
DOBBS:
(to camera)
It's still our country if we want it America. Do you want it? Are you going to let someone else have it? Punkin' Puss and Paw sure won't. And they need your help. Www.pawnpuss.com. You know what to do. Finally...we've spoken to the criminals and the lawmen...but what of the folks most directly involved in this craziness? Namely, the enablers? The characters who look the other way as this country slips into the that dark night of sub-titling and SAP channels. With us now is Quick Draw McGraw, who in the eyes of many, including this reporter, may well have started us down this dangerous, country-destroying path. Mr. McGraw, good evening to you.
QUICK DRAW:
Well, howdy!
DOBBS:
Let's dispense with the pleasantries, shall we sir? You see what we're dealing with today—don't you hold some responsibility for it, what with your foisting the likes of Baba Looey on us all those yars ago? I mean, weren't you merely acting as—you'll forgive the phrase—a stalking horse for the establishment of this misbegotten immigration problem we're dealing with now? You knew exactly what you were doing, didn't you sir? I think you knew exactly what-
QUICK DRAW:
Now hold on there, Lou Dobbs! I'll do all the thinnin' around here! You sir, are a raaay-cist! A bee-got of the hiiii-ghest order! And I will not let you impugn my dear friend Baba Looey's in-tegrity! Iiiiiii-was his sponsor, those many years ago! Iiiiii taught him to speak english! Iiiiii helped him to get naturalized! And he has been a proud U.S. Citizen for nearly fifty years! And doooonnnn't you for-get IT!
DOBBS:
But let's be frank here Quick Draw...wasn't he something of a poison pill? The sneak attack that made the rest of this—Speedy, Dora, Manny, all the rest in his wake, possible? I mean, a decent American like Deputy Dawg is on public assistance for God's sake—
QUICK DRAW:
That is-his-own-fault! Baba worked harder that DD ever did, and earned his status by the sweat of his little brown mane! D-Dawg was un-original! Totally derivative! I mean, you have a Sheriff Quick Draw...then you have a "Deputy Dawg"? Are we kids, or what? Heeeeee was coasting, and got exactly what-he-de-served!
DOBBS:
That's pretty strong talk Mr. McGraw...especially coming from someone as questionable citizenship-wise as yourself.
QUICK DRAW:
I beg your pardon?
DOBBS:
Isn't it true that you, Quick Draw McGraw have been known to cavort as an illegal alien yourself? As the musically violent Mexican vigilanté, El Kabong? I have pictures...cels of you attacking-
QUICK DRAW:
Iiiii am sick of your racist, gotcha brand of journalism, sir! Yes, I have operated part-time as El Kabong, but I did so as a legal citizen, righting wrongs against the powerless indigenous peoples of the Southwest! Iiiiii'm proud of my actions!
DOBBS:
Well sir, if I may ask? How do we know that you are indeed...a legal citizen? Perhaps the illegal Mexican El Kabong is the real you, and Quick Draw McGraw is...the alter ego? Are you documented sir? A legitimate citizen? Can you produce, sir on request...a Green Card?
QUICK DRAW:
(angry)
Why yes I can!
DOBBS:
Then do so, sir. Where is it? Give it to me.
QUICK DRAW:
(beat)
Well...if you insist.
DOBBS:
I do! Let me have it!
QUICK DRAW:
"Ka-bong!"
And with that, Quick Draw whips out his guitar, smashing it over Dobbs' head as we hear the unmistakable "El Kabong" guitar-smash sound.
- posted by LowerManhattanite with a huge infusion from L.A. Mike